Welcome back, Lovelies!
Today’s post is a deep rooted, thoroughly thought through post, in relation to the cycle of “generational curses” and life traumas which have a way of capturing you and holding you accountable to your past. I’m here today to discuss my own life traumas and tell you, you have the power to break the cycle…
For those that know me personally, you’ll know my Mother’s side is Kenyan and I was raised solely by this side. I’ve been blessed to experience the culture that comes with this, however have also been exposed to abuse, colourism and abandonment to some degree, which resulted in a lot of trauma and “triggers”.
As a child I lived in South East London, relocated to Kenya with my Mother and Sister and then returned to England to live in Surrey with my Grandmother. My childhood and teenage years were TOUGH and I felt that I was owed a normal life to some degree, without actually doing the work to ‘normalise’ my experiences. As a result, I ended up being extremely angry and aggressive, finding myself in unprovoked fights and falling in and out of friendship groups and unfortunately I didn’t break this cycle until very recently in my early twenties.
Being raised by strong, black, hard-working women meant that I too wanted to be this way. I worked extremely hard in part-time jobs whilst in School, College and University, thinking that money would result in quick success which resulted in my academic performance struggling. I remember a remark made in school, in which I was referred to as a ‘truant’ and having been severely bullied in Kenya, I chose to become a bully when I’d left. This resulted in me becoming disliked by some, feared by others, and a target for those who really were bullies. I say all of this because now in my mid-twenties, I realise it was an unhealthy cycle of behaviours and only I had the power to change the trajectory of my life, but instead I chose to dwell in my circumstances and fail in life as a result.
This unhealthy lifestyle stuck with me throughout College. Home life was unsettling and I found myself missing classes days at a time, to the point that I was threatened with expulsion and told to remove all Russell Group Universities from my UCAS application. At a point in my life where University would be my escape and chance to start my life again, I was failing miserably and was told I wasn’t suitable for the academic level I was loosely aspiring towards.
Fast forward, I got my ish together and managed to get into the Russell Group University I’d set my eyes on. I studied English Literature and four years later I’d successfully gained my Bachelors Degree. In the midst of this, I was still stuck. I was stuck in the unhealthy cycle of abuse, which resulted in a two year abusive relationship which not only affected my academics, but severely triggered my mental health. Depression was no longer a distant relative but now a close friend which I’d become consumed by. Not only did I lose myself, but I lost friends, I fell out with housemates, and I’d distanced myself from family which resulted in the most unhealthy, codependent relationship I’ve EVER experienced. It took me to hit rock bottom at full speed for the wake up call to ring loud and clear…
At the point in which I’d experienced domestic violence, my now-ex-boyfriend was served a custodial sentence and whilst some might think that ‘justice was served’ I retreated even further into depression and into a manic spiral in which my days were blurred and my nights were short, because I turned into my darkest nightmare choosing not to take accountability for where I was in life.
Some people describe their breakthrough as a light bulb moment, others feel the excruciating pain of weening yourself out of the darkness and the latter is exactly what I’d experienced; To this day it’s still one of my biggest triggers.
The reason I share this so openly is not because I want my life to look like a constant flaw, but because once I’d seen how low I could go, I never wanted to go back and instead I chose ME!
In life we are dealt cards; we are thrown into life circumstances and poor environments that result in our break down OR our breakthrough and we have the CHOICE to decide which route we take. I personally decided I was tired of the excuses I’d told myself, the blame-it-on-life behaviour I allowed to weigh on my shoulders, and the tireless moments of self-hate which I projected onto the world in hopes I’d be given a break from the reality I’d forged. Life isn’t always fair, we aren’t given the golden ticket out of hell and neither do we always have the support that we feel we require to get us out of it. It’s time to change the dialogue and the trajectory of our lives; rather than victims we are survivors. Rather than impoverished we are rich in experiences, adversity and strength.
As we enter the second quarter of 2019, we have the choice to make a difference to how this quarter plays out. Whatever failures, hiccups, or bumps you faced in the first quarter, you’ve awoken to a new day, a new start, a brand new chapter. So if you’ve made it, it’s time to make the choice to choose you and change the trajectory of your life!
I really hope this enlightens and helps someone. It took me a few deep breathes to write this.